Getting real... Beauty from a distance

There's nothing like getting punched in the stomach, physically and figuratively.  It takes your breath away, and for a split second your brain shuts down to everything.  Thoughts cease while you focus on the pain.

With a physical punch your body instantly goes into a fetal position in an effort to protect from further assault.  If you've been figuratively punched in the stomach your emotions tend to take a similar position.  Then the brain begins to function again and the upper-most thought is escape.

Monday morning I was figuratively punched in the stomach by my son.  While I was working at the computer, he came from his room crying his little eyes out.  He had just awoke from a long and, what I thought, a restful nights sleep.  Immediately I stopped what I was doing and went to him.  After about fifteen minutes of inconsolable crying I tried to find out what was wrong.  This only produced a pained look on his face and more tears.  What could cause my son so much distress?

Many hugs and tissues later words started to form.  Through more tears he mumbled that his heart hurt, he was lonely and scared.  He said he wanted his fun mommy, he didn't want me to work so hard, and he didn't want me to be mad and scared anymore.  Punch!  Punch!  Punch!

I didn't know what to say, so yes I escaped.  After tucking my son back in bed with a hug and kisses, I jumped in the shower.  Instead of falling to the floor of the shower in pure and utter defeat, I cried and prayed silently for help.

As a single parent I have done, and am doing, the best I can.  My son knows my love for him is limitless and unconditional.  He is finding the older he gets there is an expectation of increased responsibility, and discipline will be administered if there is a failure on his part to follow through on those expectations.  Some of his pain is just a normal process of growing up, but there are other aspects of his life that aren't normal..

1.  I suffer from depression and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).  Most days my coping methods work quite well, but there are other days where even "fake it to make it" just doesn't cut it.

2.  Every year or so my son's father receives a little pressure from the state for not paying his child support, and in turn he starts threatening me.  This is happening right now and I try so hard to keep it from my son, but he knows the signs.  The letters start arriving, emails flood my inbox, and/or court orders will show up.  To say my nerves are on edge is putting it mildly.

3.  We are both unhappy living in California.  A decision has been made, and the consensus is agreed upon that moving is necessary.  But, and it's a biggy, I don't feel comfortable leaving my mother.  I am here to help with her health care and financial decisions, I'm available at a moments notice if she needs me, and my phone number is the only one she remembers.  She needs me, and we all know it.  This is just another circumstance to live with as moving her out of California is not an option either.

4.  During stressful times I am hyper-sensitive to chaos, clutter, and misbehavior.  Because jobs are at a premium, I'm finding many different avenues to make enough income to support my son.  My brain is functioning at an insane pace, and keeping all the thoughts, ideas, and contacts in order is only possible if my environment is tranquil enough to support such activity.  Not having to think too hard about what to cook, clean, or attend to helps creativity.  When my son tells me I'm not fun anymore, I will admit it's true.

5.  I'm in constant pain.  Other than the herniated disc in my neck, tendonitis in my left arm, and osteoarthritis, on Tuesday I finally went to the doctor about the pain in my left shoulder that I've been living with for approximately two months.  I have to get some x-rays tomorrow, but the possible diagnosis is that I've dislocated or separated my shoulder and it may be a chronic issue that will require surgery.  (Woohoo, said with much sarcasm, this is something this unemployed-hanging on by her nails-not receiving child support-single mother with an unhappy child wanted to hear.)

Now that I've gotten real, whined, complained, and shared thoughts I won't share with my son, I want to thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder.  And, now you see my life is only beautiful from a distance.  I hope you will allow me to encourage you.

I've been surfing the internet, reading post after post, and story after story from a lot of you who don't know why you blog, why you keep struggling, why you don't just throw in the proverbial towel.  I want you to realize that it's because there are people like me who may not visit daily or make it over to read every one of your posts who need you.  You make the world seem smaller, more friendly, and you bring a blessed joy of fellowship only found on the internet.  You offer hope, you're something to hang on, and you're beautiful from a distance.

"It's awesome to realize today was in God's mind and plan long before this earth was created.  He knew you would be where you are at this very moment, living in your present circumstances, facing the kind of pressures you're enduring... and experiencing this moment of quiet reflection.  Bow and thank Him.  Turn over the controls of your life to Him.  Admit your weakness, your hypocrisy, your tendency to worry, your deep need of His presence and counsel in your life.  Take a few minutes right now to become completely preoccupied with Him... who has lovingly brought you to your knees.  Read Psalm 23."  Excerpt from The Quest for Character

Let God guide you, and use your blogs to bless others!

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