No more hiding behind the tears and shame

If you've read the beginning of my story here and here, you may be wondering how I ended up with this guy, and why am I sharing this now.  I mean, really, we all have moments in life where we made bad decisions and mistakes, but do we want the whole world to know about them?

I could not agree more that I scraped the bottom of the barrel and chose the worst guy to be with, and why now share such intimate, degrading details of an incident that happened almost ten years ago?

I could use the excuse that I've always had a low self-esteem, or I could tell you I was in rebellion of my co-dependent mother who refused to see me as a successful women who deserved a life of her own.  But because I know better than to use the simple explanations, and because I know the truth will set me, and others, free I will be completely honest.

It seems like a cliche to compare my story with the prodigal son, but that's exactly how it is.  In my twenties and early thirties I was the type of Christian that gives us all a bad name.  I didn't go to church, hardly ever read my Bible, and only went to God when there was trouble.  I did what I wanted when I wanted, and I used my faith only when it was convenient.  It was that horrible, abusive man and the events of the next few years that made me see I was scrounging in the pigs' trough for food.

When I was living with him and things started getting really scary I pulled out my Bible.  He laughed at me and told me to 'put that stupid thing away.'  We even had a discussion about God and faith.  He told me of a bad experience he'd had when he was a young boy.  Even his mother and father looked at religion as worthless mumbo-jumbo.

Of course this discussion came much too late.  I was six months pregnant, living with a monster, and I had no idea how to get away from him.  His ridicule of my faith made me realize how far I'd fallen from God's grace.  I took a long, hard look at myself and how I'd opened my life to sin.  It's like I was waving a red flag for the devil to have free reign.

When we don't look to, and trust in, God for guidance, and when we choose our will over His there isn't much hope of receiving His goodness.  That is how I ended up with a guy like that, and why I'm sharing my story now.  I'm trusting in Him, and following His will.

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A terrifying discovery

This is a continuation of my story.  If you missed the first part click here.

I was still in shock.  My sister called the police.  Soon there were five police cars with two officers in each on the street and in our driveway.  He made a break for it out the back door.  They chased him down, and within minutes he was sitting in the back of one of the patrol cars.

The questioning seemed urgent and chaotic.  Three officers were standing over me, one wanted to take pictures of my neck.  After things started to calm down, and the shock wore off, I had one last request of the officers.

While deep cleaning our home a few weeks back I made a terrifying discovery.  I had been vacuuming in our bedroom, and it kept hitting something under the bed.  Kneeling on the floor I reached for the object.  It was a shotgun, but it didn't look like the one my father had owned and kept locked up when I was a girl.  This one was shorter, and the end looked rough.

After confronting him about the gun laying under our bed, I demanded that it be moved to the garage and locked up.  He laughed at me, and assured me it was fine where it was.  I could tell immediately this was not an argument I would win, but I made it very clear I wasn't happy.  We had a baby that would be crawling some day.  What if he found the gun and thought it was a toy?  He told me if I was doing my job as a mother I shouldn't have anything to worry about.

So, with the police standing there, and him arrested and leaving my home, I wanted the gun to go with them.  I brought it out of the bedroom.  After handing it over one of the officers told me that it was illegal to have a "sawed off shotgun".  I told the officer it was his, so it should go with him. They said they couldn't take it, and that I should get rid of it as soon as possible. 

Let me ask you, 'How do you get rid of a sawed off shotgun?'

As the police pulled away from my home, and friends and family gathered around, a new type of shock started taking root.  Advice and comfort could not dispel the anger, hurt, and disbelief of what had just happened.

Before I met this man I'd been a strong, independent, resourceful woman.  Now I was unsure, scared, and feeling completely inept at handling anything.  What was I going to do?

Happy New Year! ~ A word for 2012

My word for 2011 was Reclaim.

"So give yourselves completely to God.  Stand against the devil, and the devil will run from you.  Come near to God, and God will come near to you.  You sinners, clean sin out of your lives.  You who are trying to follow God and the world at the same time, make your thinking pure."  James 4:7-8 

I'd like to think I wasn't a complete failure in that goal, but realistically there were many missed opportunities in 2011.  I tried to hold myself to a higher standard which didn't make it easy, and I found myself asking forgiveness for not depending on God more.

"Thank you!", was, and still is, a continual sentiment I give to God, my friends, and my family.  I learned in 2011 that reclaiming does not necessarily mean independence.  We are to be dependent on Him, and we need others to help us through the tough times, to share the good times, and to stand together in our daily endeavors.  Really, can you say "Thank you" enough?

My word for 2012 is Organize.  Isn't that a beautiful word?  God is not chaotic, nor is He disorganized.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  Jeremiah 29:11

I look forward to the journey, and with God already knowing the plans He has for me, I can't wait to see what happens.

God bless you all, and Happy New Year!

  

Image by: © Anatoly Tiplyashin

A defining moment

I sat on the couch, he could tell I was nervous.  He demanded to know where his son was.  I had dropped my five month old baby off at my mother's.  She promised to protect him no matter the cost.

For over a year I endured the abuse.  I listened to the ridicule and derisive remarks to my character which were calculated attempts to tear down an already fragile self-esteem.  He shot me with a bb gun, and in a fit of anger tipped over the very couch I now sat on sending my head crashing into a bookshelf sitting against the wall behind it.  One week after giving birth to our son he forced himself on me.  The next day I spent five hours in the emergency room hooked to an IV because the bleeding wouldn't stop.  Today I was making a stand.

I was stronger than he expected.  For months he demanded I cut off all communication with my family, but I went behind his back to have lunch once a week with my mom.  My sisters came over to have their hair done, and I made plans to go back to work.  Losing my clientele at the salon was not an option.  He had quit his job, so someone had to support us.  We had a baby that needed food, clothing, and a roof over his head.  I would be the bread-winner in the household.

Of course that raised more trouble as he didn't see why I needed to take our son with me to the salon.  I found a babysitter, but that wasn't what he wanted either.  He had started drinking heavily after he quit his job, and leaving my baby with him was not something I would do.  He became irate, threatened to call the owner of the salon to have me forced out.  You see, the owner only agreed to rent me a booth because she was a friend of his mother.  They would tell my clients I was no longer able to work.

He thought he had me right where he wanted me, but he was wrong.  Something in him must have known because he came at me.  He pushed me down on the couch, and with his eyes filled with rage put his hands around my neck and squeezed.  I tried to scream, and the terror in my eyes must have gotten through to him.  He let go.

With uncertainty he stood up, looking at me with a mixture of anger, fear, and hurt.  Unsure about the situation, about me, he stood there and stared.  I heard a noise outside.  It was my sister.  He turned and left the room.

I haven't shared that with anyone in over six years.  It happened in June of 2003, and was a defining moment in my life.  Part of me died that day.  Somehow, possibly with only God's help, I can regain a measure of joy I once had for life.  Maybe it is all the fear inside that has clouded everything up.  At times I laugh and find happiness, but there just isn't the deep down, touch your soul kind of joy in me.

I was going to reclaim my life for God in 2011.  Dealing with issues created by that defining moment is part of it.  Like most victims of domestic violence I'm ashamed and embarrassed to have 1) put myself in such a situation, 2) found such a loser to attach myself to, 3) stayed with him for as long as I did, and 4) chosen so unwisely a father for my son.

I hope you will bare with me as I share more of my story in an effort to heal.  Hopefully I can conquer the fear and diminish the cloud of unhappiness that permeates my life.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Create in me a clean heart.  Help me to forgive myself for the terror and pain I invited into my life by not following You.  I ask you to fill me with Your joy and love.  I am Your child, and through you I have all the strength I need.  I cannot do this without You.  I repent of my sins and ask Your forgiveness.  I will trust You for everything that I need.  Thank you for Your guidance and the words to share that bring You glory.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Challenging myself in 2012

"I'm DISORGANIZED!"

Ok, now that that's out of the way, you all know my biggest problem, and it is not just in one area of my life.

I have so many pans in the fire that sooner or later something is going to get overlooked and disaster may ensue. If you are a friend or loved one you know my heart is in the right place, but I'm sure you've been singed by my disorganization.

I want it to change... no, I want to change!  So, I'm challenging myself to do what is necessary to get some order in my life.  In 2011 I made some progress at decluttering my life, but it just wasn't enough.  Because of my disorganized tendencies I dropped the ball, and there was no follow through to continue in the process.

One of my sisters has lived a bachelorette lifestyle for some time now.  She's really good at paring down, living simplistically, and creating order in her home.  Having helped her with Christmas dinner this year I realized she is a little too minimalistic, but the concept is still very attractive to me.

I want the ability to find what I need when I need it.  I don't want to miss a dental appointment even when they call two days before to remind me of it, and I want to find a phone number that at one time I had memorized but now can't remember.  Bottom line - I want order in my life.

With all the responsibilities I have there is no room for disorganization.  So in 2012 I'm taking it one step at a time.  I'm going to start by Trustin' Him!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"Dear Heavenly Father,
There is so much to be done and the task seems so overwhelming.  I pray that You would give me the strength to start, and finish, what needs to be done.  I give myself to You to make the changes in me that need to begin.  And as I go about each day this week, I pray that I would not drift from You, but lean on You for understanding and for You to direct my path.  I submit myself to You and trust You with my life and with all of my heart.  Direct me Lord.  Be there to catch me when I fall, and give me the strength that I need to continue on.  I trust You Lord.  Be with me now and throughout this week, and the rest of the year, as I look to You to finish the tasks that are ahead of me.
In Jesus' name.
Amen."             Amy Verlennich, Create in me a Clean Heart! Devotional

Would you like to join me? If so click the button below.

Merry CHRISTmas!

Enjoy this holiday season celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior!

Peace on earth good will to men!

Jesus is the reason...

Missing mom and dad this Christmas

Dad loved music, and mom loved baking! Those are the memories I hold onto this Christmas.

Early in my childhood there was love in our household. There was laughter and sharing. There was music and Christmas movies. The excitement of presents under the tree and waking to smells of a turkey roasting in the oven.

It didn't last long. My parents did the best they could. They were two individuals from two very different backgrounds. They had very different dreams and ideas of what they wanted from life. Somewhere along the way it stopped being about family and became a struggle for their individual desires.

One thing my parents did have in common was a love for God.  This video is in memory of my dad who loved instrumentals, and for my mom who I've shared many tears and smiles over the years while listening to this song.   

Merry Christmas to those who struggle to find the joy of the season.  To those who's memories have faded because of bitterness and anger.  How great is He who sent His son!!!

Linking up at: Walk with Him Wednesday, iFellowship, Serenity Now, Undeserving Grace, Mommy Only has Two Hands, No Ordinary Blog Hop

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A Slice of Smith Life redesign

The past few weeks I've been collaborating with Tracy at A Slice of Smith Life on her blog redesign.  Her original header was one of my first attempts at designing a header/banner.

Then Tracy contacted me requesting a new design, and I couldn't have been happier.  Secretly I had already been hunting for just the right look for her.  Since getting to know Tracy through her blog and co-hosting NOBH together, I now felt more adept at knowing what would please her.

{Before}

In the end pleasing a client is what makes my work successful.  I really want to understand what they like, don't like, their desires, and their needs.  Everyone's blog is a personal space that should fill them with joy every time they see it.  To know they are sharing themselves with the world from a platform they are proud of and shows their personality.

{After}

I was even more pleased with how Tracy's button turned out. And that she has it as her Facebook profile picture confirms how pleased she is with the work I did for her. That is the bonus for me.

Please visit A Slice of Smith Life and let Tracy know what you think of her new look.

If you would be interested in having a blog redesign, or just need a little help with your current design, click the button below. The initial consultation is free.

I also have a button tutorial available here.

"for the Bible tells me so" ~ part 1

^"All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work." 2 Timothy 3:16-17

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalms 119:105

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Running Scared ~ The Quest for Character continues...

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself."

In the midst of trouble and trials fear has a funny way of blocking out all reason.  We tend to let it consume us until there is nothing to see but the fear, or what we are afraid of.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."  2 Timothy 1:7

I am a little late with my post at Women of Noble Character today because my family has been bombarding me with phone calls and love.  It is a trying time for me with lots of worries, and fear of the unknown.

Fear has tried to take seed in my heart, but with the constant support of family and friends, my faith in God's almighty power, and filling my mind with God's Word fear will not sprout and grow.

Do not let your quest for character be interrupted.  Charles Swindoll ends this weeks chapter in The Quest for Character with this:

"What comes from the Lord because it is impossible for humans to manufacture it?  Wisdom.  What comes from humans because it is impossible for the Lord to experience it? Worry.  And what is it that brings wisdom and dispels worry?  Worship.  Let nothing detract from your time of personal worship today.  Let nothing frighten you...  nothing from yesterday's past, today's present, or tomorrow's future.  Nothing."

Brilliant advice don't you think?

Join Julie and I at Women of Noble Character for our weekly link up.  God bless you in your quest!

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Feature Article ~ Raising Adults

I am constantly having to remind myself the skills I teach my son today will either help or hinder him later in life. The article below written by Teresa Dear puts in perspective what we should all remember as we tackle the training of our children.

Raising Adults; the Importance of Character and Employable Skills

It is critical to ensure that children are receiving an entire education- not only the 3 R's but also the abilities necessary to become a productive and successful adult.

As homeschoolers, we value the freedom that we enjoy to teach what we judge to be the most important. In Texas, we are technically only required to teach reading, writing, arithmetic, and Civics. However, I think that most of us teach far more than is technically required as the lowest minimum standard.

Today, when I say 'life skills' I don't refer to laundry, grocery shopping, and measuring ingredients. I think more along the lines of

• independent problem solving
• managing tasks
• respect for authority
• eliminating the unnecessary info
• working alone productively
• managing deadlines
• finding solutions

When I have had job interviews, talked to managers about their employees, or read articles about 'what employers want' etc, I find common threads. The young people that we as a nation are launching into the workforce are unprepared. Even if we completely disregard their academic abilities (such as making change, writing decent memos, and other education-derived tasks) they are terribly unfit for almost any employment.

They are unable to work independently, moving from task to task without lolling about on the internet or at the proverbial water cooler. If they run into an obstacle, they don't problem-solve to continue with their task. They cannot sift through extra information to find an answer, they have a short attention span when confronted with a challenge, in short they are without the training necessary to work productively.

We must be vigilant to ensure that the associated tasks of an entire education are being met (such as the list above). We must invest the time at the kitchen table going over work, doing flashcards, demanding rewrites, and raising the bar of requirements for each child's education. We are raising future adults, not children.This will ensure educational goals are met, so it becomes a lifestyle to write and meet goals, to break up tasks into manageable chunks, to pay attention, to respect authority, to solve problems.

This is what is needed today! Whether you homeschool or supplement a public education, you must own and be responsible for the shape of your child's abilities. Your child has complete freewill after he leaves the house. But before that day, you must demand that your child learns the other set of skills that makes a productive and capable worker.

---

Teresa Dear is a homeschooling mother of four. She and her husband of eleven years are not worried about the socialization of their children. You can follow the blog exploration of classical education in general and their homeschool lifestyle in particular at http://highereducation-mama4x.blogspot.com She divides her time between education, the house, the extra-curricular activities, shopping for curriculum, and stocking her http://www.mama4x.etsy.com storefront, where you can find handmade greeting cards and vintage ephemera.
Source: http://www.homeschool-articles.com/raising-adults-the-importance-of-character-and-employable-skills/

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It's my birthday!

Thank you to my friends and family who sent me happy birthday wishes.  I am so blessed.  Of course my cake would have many more candles than the one in the photo, but birthdays are not so much about the years as the lessons we've learned along the way and the people who have touched our lives.

When I was pondering what to write today it occurred to me how different I am from who I was last year, the year before that, and the years before that.  There was a time when the shy, introverted me would have become nauseous just thinking about blogging.

I am humbled by those who are more creative, more patient and understanding, and those who take a stand and are not wavered.  I'm in awe of those who single-mindedly attack a project with such gusto that failure is not an option.  They open themselves up to be judged and critiqued without a deprecating thought.

For the past year and a half I've come out of my shell to share with you from my heart, but I've still held back.  It's funny how looking back over the years I realize how much fear I've been living with.  Fear of ruffling feathers...  fear of taking a stand...  fear of failing at something I really love to do.

2011 was my year to "reclaim" my life.  Caring for my mother was draining me of everything that was me.  Don't get me wrong I love my mom, and I would do it all over again, but my son needs me more than my mom does.

It also became clear to me a couple of weeks ago that I've been fearful of sharing my years of dealing with depression, PTSD, and the abuse I survived.  Domestic Violence has always been something I feel does not get the attention it should.  There is so much that friends, family, and complete strangers don't understand that victims become stereotyped.  Because of this victims endure more pain and separation from the very people who can make a difference in their lives, help them find the strength within themselves to become a survivor.

If I'm rambling I apologize, but it is my birthday so I can get away with it this time, right. ;)  Anyway, I wanted to share one last story with you.

When I was 12 or 13 years old I was walking through a corn field.  It was Fall and almost harvest time.  The corn was the kind specifically grown for feed.  It was all dried out and withered.  I tried to imagine the cattle that would be eating the grain, and then in turn the beef that would be on someone's table.  (As you can see I'm not a vegetarian, and I'm very thankful to God for providing us with such a wonderful delicacy.)  But I digress...

Walking through that field with poems and stories running through my young mind, I never dreamed I'd one day have so many experiences to write about.  At the time I barely had enough confidence to share my writing with my teachers.  Now I pray everyday to share those experiences, those stories, to touch just one heart.

Although my words will wither and fade like the grass and flowers, and none of us can go back to a different time to dream of a different ending to our life, we can hold on to hope that what we do will bring glory to God.

His word is for ever!!!

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The Quest for Character continues...

I'm joining Julie today on our Quest for Character.  With all the unrest in our country you can really understand how strongly we need heroes,  giants among men.

"Behold, days are coming," declares the Lord God,
"When I will send a famine on the land,
Not a famine for bread or a thirst for water,
But rather for hearing the words of the Lord.
And people will stagger from sea to sea [coast to coast],
And from the north even to the east;
They will go to and fro to seek the word of the Lord,
But they will not find it." Amos 8:11-12

Linking up at:  Serenity Now's Weekend Link Reading Party, Women of Noble Character, and No Ordinary Blog Hop.

What is Christmas really about?

Jo Princess-Warrior is on a little blogging break, but she has re-posted an article she wrote last December that I couldn't agree with more.

I remember an argument I had with my father about this very subject.  I was eighteen years old, and his insistence that my children would someday be taught his beliefs was something I found quite presumptuous on his part.  He was angry with my decision to not lie to my children about Santa.  The hurt feelings and separation created in our relationship by this argument wasn't worth it.

I never had the chance to apologize to my father for hurting him, but in the end I still believe in my convictions.  Christmas is not about Santa, the tree, the true date of Christ's birth, or any other controversial issue some would like to make it.  The holiday is about the ultimate gift given to mankind.

As a gift, Jesus came to us with a message.  It doesn't need to be crammed down anyone's throat, or argued about until feelings are irrevocably damaged.  It is a gift to be accepted or denied in our own way.  As Christians we give glory to God by sharing the message in a peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, and most of all loving way.  That is the what Christmas is all about.

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Where's the Line to see Jesus?

I posted this last year and wanted to share it with you all again. This song brings the meaning of Christmas back to what this season is really about.

Join us at No Ordinary Blog Hop, and share how you are "Touching lives one gift at a time."

Is an absent father better than a sporadic father?

I used to worry, ok so I still worry, about how my son is being affected by his father.  Currently his father is not in the picture, and has no physical contact with him.  Because his father has been abusive to me in the past, I've been afraid of something happening to my son.  For now this is not an immediate concern.

What is a concern right now is the mental and emotional harm my son may be experiencing from me having sporadic correspondence from his father, and almost none of it is in regard to my son.  I have made every effort to keep the issues between his father and I to myself, but we all know it is impossible to keep children from finding out when something's wrong.  Their instincts are so strong.  I was reminded of this from a post at My Adventures in Mommyland.

I've had almost ten years of worry and fear about the issues of how my son's father, his absence, and my attitude about him have affected my son.  I left a comment about how we cannot control or protect our children from every hurt, and again I'm reminded that worrying about it all will not help either.  As parents all we can do for our children is pray and make sure to always let them know we are here for them.

Sometimes being a single parent really stinks, but I'm so thankful for the gifts of friends, family, and other bloggers for their support and insights.  God bless all parents for "Touching lives on gift at a time."
 

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