I could not agree more that I scraped the bottom of the barrel and chose the worst guy to be with, and why now share such intimate, degrading details of an incident that happened almost ten years ago?
I could use the excuse that I've always had a low self-esteem, or I could tell you I was in rebellion of my co-dependent mother who refused to see me as a successful women who deserved a life of her own. But because I know better than to use the simple explanations, and because I know the truth will set me, and others, free I will be completely honest.
It seems like a cliche to compare my story with the prodigal son, but that's exactly how it is. In my twenties and early thirties I was the type of Christian that gives us all a bad name. I didn't go to church, hardly ever read my Bible, and only went to God when there was trouble. I did what I wanted when I wanted, and I used my faith only when it was convenient. It was that horrible, abusive man and the events of the next few years that made me see I was scrounging in the pigs' trough for food.
When I was living with him and things started getting really scary I pulled out my Bible. He laughed at me and told me to 'put that stupid thing away.' We even had a discussion about God and faith. He told me of a bad experience he'd had when he was a young boy. Even his mother and father looked at religion as worthless mumbo-jumbo.
Of course this discussion came much too late. I was six months pregnant, living with a monster, and I had no idea how to get away from him. His ridicule of my faith made me realize how far I'd fallen from God's grace. I took a long, hard look at myself and how I'd opened my life to sin. It's like I was waving a red flag for the devil to have free reign.
When we don't look to, and trust in, God for guidance, and when we choose our will over His there isn't much hope of receiving His goodness. That is how I ended up with a guy like that, and why I'm sharing my story now. I'm trusting in Him, and following His will.
Lynda, This post gave me chills knowing that slipping into sin is so easy with Satan at us all the time. Your post reminded me of an analogy I heard from a Catholic speaker. When we clean our homes/cars, we are very aware that something is out of place since the house/car just got cleaned. But, gradually we'll drop junk in our home/cars and we become desensitized to the clutter and soon the mess doesn't even bother us anymore. That's how it is when all of us sin. When we don't ask for God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and we live our will not God's, the clutter in our soul just keeps building up and soon we don't realize just how messy our lives are. You are blessed to see how your past was not what you wanted and you are seeking healing from the only Physician who can heal you totally and completely. May you grow stronger each day and feel God's peace and healing touch as you learn from your past and look forward to the freedom of your future. Thank you Lynda for sharing such a painful part of your life with all of us. It can't be easy to do this, but your story is a story of healing, forgiveness, and hope and that is something all of us need to be reminded of each day no matter how difficult our circumstances! God bless you my friend and may 2012 bring you the peace and joy you are seeking!
ReplyDeleteLynda, thanks again for sharing your story. I appreciate the honesty and courage it takes to share it.
ReplyDeleteLynda, I pray that the good Lord will bless with strength, courage, joy and peace. He is great and He loves you! God Bless You!
ReplyDeleteYou are a truly courageous woman! I am glad that I have found your blogs...
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