A defining moment

I sat on the couch, he could tell I was nervous.  He demanded to know where his son was.  I had dropped my five month old baby off at my mother's.  She promised to protect him no matter the cost.

For over a year I endured the abuse.  I listened to the ridicule and derisive remarks to my character which were calculated attempts to tear down an already fragile self-esteem.  He shot me with a bb gun, and in a fit of anger tipped over the very couch I now sat on sending my head crashing into a bookshelf sitting against the wall behind it.  One week after giving birth to our son he forced himself on me.  The next day I spent five hours in the emergency room hooked to an IV because the bleeding wouldn't stop.  Today I was making a stand.

I was stronger than he expected.  For months he demanded I cut off all communication with my family, but I went behind his back to have lunch once a week with my mom.  My sisters came over to have their hair done, and I made plans to go back to work.  Losing my clientele at the salon was not an option.  He had quit his job, so someone had to support us.  We had a baby that needed food, clothing, and a roof over his head.  I would be the bread-winner in the household.

Of course that raised more trouble as he didn't see why I needed to take our son with me to the salon.  I found a babysitter, but that wasn't what he wanted either.  He had started drinking heavily after he quit his job, and leaving my baby with him was not something I would do.  He became irate, threatened to call the owner of the salon to have me forced out.  You see, the owner only agreed to rent me a booth because she was a friend of his mother.  They would tell my clients I was no longer able to work.

He thought he had me right where he wanted me, but he was wrong.  Something in him must have known because he came at me.  He pushed me down on the couch, and with his eyes filled with rage put his hands around my neck and squeezed.  I tried to scream, and the terror in my eyes must have gotten through to him.  He let go.

With uncertainty he stood up, looking at me with a mixture of anger, fear, and hurt.  Unsure about the situation, about me, he stood there and stared.  I heard a noise outside.  It was my sister.  He turned and left the room.

I haven't shared that with anyone in over six years.  It happened in June of 2003, and was a defining moment in my life.  Part of me died that day.  Somehow, possibly with only God's help, I can regain a measure of joy I once had for life.  Maybe it is all the fear inside that has clouded everything up.  At times I laugh and find happiness, but there just isn't the deep down, touch your soul kind of joy in me.

I was going to reclaim my life for God in 2011.  Dealing with issues created by that defining moment is part of it.  Like most victims of domestic violence I'm ashamed and embarrassed to have 1) put myself in such a situation, 2) found such a loser to attach myself to, 3) stayed with him for as long as I did, and 4) chosen so unwisely a father for my son.

I hope you will bare with me as I share more of my story in an effort to heal.  Hopefully I can conquer the fear and diminish the cloud of unhappiness that permeates my life.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Create in me a clean heart.  Help me to forgive myself for the terror and pain I invited into my life by not following You.  I ask you to fill me with Your joy and love.  I am Your child, and through you I have all the strength I need.  I cannot do this without You.  I repent of my sins and ask Your forgiveness.  I will trust You for everything that I need.  Thank you for Your guidance and the words to share that bring You glory.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.